Frustration and perfection

One of the most frustrating things about this platform is that every once and a while a set of keys are hit and you lose an entire blog post. I was several hundred words into a blog post on building agile into a security teams office and poof everything went. Undo didn’t do anything. I got really frustrated and went to play video games. That frustration carried over to the video games.

Now I’m just kind of sitting here trying to figure out what to do next. I need to write a blog post to keep up with my weekly commitments. I don’t want to restart the agile post. Instead I’d like to talk about another topic I want to cover. I’m not perfect when I work on things. Even though I feel like I’m starting to figure some things out, I’m not perfect. I still have slip ups and frustrating things happen that make me shut down.

It’s something I wanted to highlight, since I’ve been blogging about things I’ve learned this past year and the path forward. Even though it may seem like people have things figured out, in all likelihood they don’t. I’ve had several people share with me that they struggle(d) with drinking. I think about Chester Bennington the front man for Linkin Park. You watch all these videos and he seems like a happy go-lucky guy. He end his life in 2017.

How can a rockstar with all the success and money in the world be so miserable he took his own life? I believe it highlights that we all have demons. We all have things we’re struggling with despite what we’re presenting on the outside. I think that’s why these posts have resonated with people. I get more feedback on these types of posts than I do anything else I write. I like feedback and interaction, because it reminds me that we’re not along and that perfection in our lives is a myth.

What I've learned taking a year off

The Reason

Last year I decided 2019 would be a year that I would pull back from some of my extra curricular activities. In 2018 I went to eight different security conferences (I had 12 planned). I went full burnout at DerbyCon 2018 and ended up leaving the conference early to head home and be with my family. The minute I got on the road and out of Louisville, I felt relief. I decided that taking a break in 2019 would be a good idea.

Burnout was one reason. The others were that I was being promoted and we had a big family trip to Yellowstone planned. I ended up taking off two weeks from work to road trip out west and back. I knew the promotion was more work so I wanted to ensure I had time for myself. It was more than I anticipated and I stopped producing the Exploring Information Security podcast. I wanted to spend more time with the family and more time enjoying life a little bit. I’ve discovered it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

The Problem

Up until a month ago I lacked motivation and purpose. I was spending more time with the family and playing video games. I was also drinking a lot more. By a lot more, I mean daily. With a three drink minimum. It was not good and I knew it. I didn’t know how to get out of it, though. I felt like I’d drink. get a bad night sleep. Go to work. Come home and find my willpower completely shot. I started to feel disengaged at work. I was overworked and dealing with anxiety. That’s when the handrail incident happened.

While leaving the University of Tennessee vs. University of South Carolina game, I decided to slide down a handrail. Normally not a problem, however, it was a problem because I had been drinking before noon. I also still had a full cup in my hand. I slide a few inches and then flipped completely over onto the cement stairs. I banged my head and slammed my hand into the steps. I sat up without a concussion, but the ringer finger on my left hand turned towards my pinky. After three hours in an emergency room, several medical visits, and a surgery appointment I had three screws put in my finger to repair the fracture that had occurred (picture above).

I’ve had a lot of time to think post the handrail incident and I think I’ve pegged the problem. Cutting out all the things (conferences, podcasts, blogging, volunteering) has caused me to self-indulge. I created bad habits around drinking and playing video games. I’m currently reading Every Thing Is F*cked - A Book About Hope by Mark Manson. He talks about doing things that make our ability to handle stress fragile. This happens when things become convenient and we indulge in our happiness. Life needs conflict and if we don’t choose our own conflict then we will make our own conflict. For example, drinking too much. We become fragile in our ability to handle stress. Which is something that I’m experiencing at work. I’ve lost several nights of sleep to thinking about work. Which plays a small part in me wanting to drink so that I can fall asleep instead of dealing with insomnia.

The Solution

I have sought medical help for the insomnia and been provided with an option for falling asleep. I am starting to change some of my habits. It’s amazing what getting a night of sleep without alcohol will do for your attitude. It’s also amazing how much money you save not drinking every night. I am starting to understand my place at work and not stressing about certain things. I have the benefit of reaching my career goal and I’m not worried about being promoted to a director or executive level.

I’m going to start having a purpose again. To help and promote others. I’m going to start blogging more here and at ColaSec. I’m going to get more involved in the community again. I plan to help out with ColaSec, as well as the local user groups in the Nashville area. I plan to attend conferences more next year and help out as a volunteer and speaker. Finally, I plan to start the Exploring Information Security podcast back up again with a few modifications (more to come).

I don’t regret taking a year off. It’s helped me grow and understand myself better. Every since moving to Nashville, I’ve always had this thing in the back of my head bugging me, “what now?” What is my motivation and driver in life? I think I’ve discovered that. I want to help others. I want to contribute. I want to produce something useful. I want to grow. That’s what will make me happy.

Finding my place, again

I started writing another Finding my place post. Two paragraphs in I decided to check my website. Yup, I already wrote the post (how embarrassing would that have been?). That post was written in early August, almost two and half months ago. I think I’m still trying to find my place. The Mike Shinoda song at the top of the post is something I play on a daily basis (maybe every day or two). It’s a really good song and something that expresses how I’m feeling.

I’m still trying to find my place. I am taking more time for myself. I’m spending more time with the family. I’m not sure that’s been the best option for me. I have a five and nine year-old and boy can they wear an adult out (much love to the wife). I spent last week on PTO playing video games and watching baseball. I hopped on the computer after putting the kids down and I don’t really feel like playing video games right now. I’m taking a step back.

I have a strong urge to write. A strong urge, apparently, to write something I already wrote (and here we are).

I’m not really sure what I’m expecting out of this post. I think, I’d like to highlight that not everyone has it figured out. I have a kick ass job. A podcast that’s growing. I drink a little more than I should (On number three and feeling good). I probably don’t spend enough time with the wife and kids. I don’t know where I want to go from here. I’m just kind of making it up as I go.

Writing feels good and maybe that’s part of it. I have a need to be productive. If I’m not, I’m not satisfied. That comes at a cost though. It comes at a cost to my personal time. It comes at a cost to my family time. It’s a catch 22!

I’m trying to take a step back right now. I feel like I have those goals in video games. In Overwatch it’s weekly quests and getting my 10 placement matches in. In WoW it’s unlocking allied races that I can then also get to max level (120). I like doing that stuff, but it’s personal goals. It doesn’t benefit anyone else but me. I like benefiting others. It’s why I volunteer at conferences. It’s why I’ll be on my feet for 12 hours a day at DEF CON for the SE Village. I came back more refreshed from DEF CON more than I did any other conference.

That wears on me too though. The constant serving others. I’m trying to find that happy medium. Maybe that happy medium is a fantasy. Maybe life is meant to be these struggles. I feel ashamed that my struggle is being in such a good place. I guess that’s life.

Struggling with alcohol

I am not saying I have a problem. But maybe I have a problem.

I am trying to quit alcohol. I've been trying this for years. I do it every time I drink a little too much. I drink a little too much on rare occasions. Now I want to quit for several reasons. Weight loss, saving money, and health benefits just to name a few. The biggest reason is that I don't like relying on it as stress relief. I don't like the feeling of wanting a beer after a long stressful day.

Last year, as I made a move from South Carolina to Tennessee, I broke down. It was from the stress of moving. Finding a place to live. Selling a house. Boxing and moving everything in the house. This on top of the pressure to do well at a new job while being hundreds of mile away from work. Wife and kids. I literally broke down from the pressure. I laid in bed and cried.

I had drank the night before and stayed up a little too late. I had stopped working out. I gained weight that I had lost the previous year. All of that due to stress and not dealing with it well. I now see that working out is an important part of stress management for me. I've lost the weight I put on last summer. I'm participating in a weight challenge at work and I'm kicking ass. I'd be kicking even more ass if I could stop drinking.

At this point I realize I've yet to address how much I'm drinking. Usually around 12-18 beers a week. Most times it's 12. Usually, it's Friday and Saturday. Occasionally, it's on the weeknights. It's not a lot, but I hate that feeling of need. I don't like it as a stress relief because that can be dangerous. I've already been to that dangerous place once.

We're in the process of building a home. There are big changes going on at work. That along with the usual family stuff at home is causing me concern. I've thought about ways that I can deal with this better. I feel like I need to quit drinking. Try to become a more social drinker. One that can have a couple and not feel the urge to go on. I've tried several different tactics and strategies. Some are working better than others. That's when I got the idea that maybe I should try blogging.

I like typing blog posts. It's therapeutic (especially with a mechanical keyboard). There's something calming about writing something. I feel accomplished. My hope is that by writing this post I will hold myself more accountable. My hope is that by writing any future posts I will get the frustration of quitting out of my head and into a blog post. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't. Lets find out.