Today, we’re launching something new: the CISA Angry Translator Series. This idea came from a blog post by Brian Dye over at Corelight. CISA has been releasing more and more advisories and directives. There are certain themes from these releases that just aren’t hitting home. Enter the Angry Translator whom I’ve dubbed Frank. He’s here to say what CISA really wants to say but can’t.

This idea is a parody off the very funny Key and Peel skit where Obama get’s an Angry Translator called Luther. It was so popular that Keegan-Michael Key got up with President Obama for the 2015 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Below is what you can expect from the series. I’ve used ChatGPT to create the initial draft and made edits where necessary. Make sure to check out Brian’s post and Corelight. I’ve got an upcoming podcast with Brian talking about Corelight and I really like what they’re doing.

CISA's Angry Translator: Cloud Security Directive

CISA Directive: https://www.cisa.gov/news-events/directives/bod-25-01-implementing-secure-practices-cloud-services

CISA Says:
"Federal agencies must implement secure practices for cloud services to safeguard federal information and information systems."

Frank:
"Hey, government folks! Your cloud setups are a hacker's playground right now. Lock them down before you hand over our data on a silver platter!"

CISA Says:
"Recent cybersecurity incidents highlight the significant risks posed by misconfigurations and weak security controls."

Frank:
"Translation: Your sloppy setups are like leaving your front door wide open with a 'Welcome Hackers' sign. Fix it before we all pay the price!"

CISA Says:
"Agencies are required to identify specific cloud tenants, implement assessment tools, and align cloud environments to CISA’s Secure Cloud Business Applications (SCuBA) secure configuration baselines."

Frank:
"Step 1: Know what cloud stuff you have. Step 2: Use the tools we've given you to check them. Step 3: Follow the dang security guidelines! It's not rocket science, people!"

CISA Says:
"Implement all mandatory SCuBA policies effective as of this Directive’s issuance no later than June 20, 2025."

Frank:
"You've got until June 20, 2025, to get your act together. That's more than enough time to stop being a cybersecurity dumpster fire!"

CISA Says:
"Maintaining secure configuration baselines is critical in the dynamic cybersecurity landscape."

Frank:
"The cyber threats are evolving, and your security should too. Keep up, or get left behind—and hacked!"

CISA Says:
"This Directive will further reduce the attack surface of the federal government networks."

Frank:
"We're trying to make it harder for the bad guys to mess with us. Help us help you, help us help you, help us help you!"

Final Note from Frank:
"Look, securing your cloud services isn't optional—it's your job. Stop dragging your feet, follow the directive, and let's not end up on the front page for a massive data breach. Get it together, now!"