The Reason

Last year I decided 2019 would be a year that I would pull back from some of my extra curricular activities. In 2018 I went to eight different security conferences (I had 12 planned). I went full burnout at DerbyCon 2018 and ended up leaving the conference early to head home and be with my family. The minute I got on the road and out of Louisville, I felt relief. I decided that taking a break in 2019 would be a good idea.

Burnout was one reason. The others were that I was being promoted and we had a big family trip to Yellowstone planned. I ended up taking off two weeks from work to road trip out west and back. I knew the promotion was more work so I wanted to ensure I had time for myself. It was more than I anticipated and I stopped producing the Exploring Information Security podcast. I wanted to spend more time with the family and more time enjoying life a little bit. I’ve discovered it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

The Problem

Up until a month ago I lacked motivation and purpose. I was spending more time with the family and playing video games. I was also drinking a lot more. By a lot more, I mean daily. With a three drink minimum. It was not good and I knew it. I didn’t know how to get out of it, though. I felt like I’d drink. get a bad night sleep. Go to work. Come home and find my willpower completely shot. I started to feel disengaged at work. I was overworked and dealing with anxiety. That’s when the handrail incident happened.

While leaving the University of Tennessee vs. University of South Carolina game, I decided to slide down a handrail. Normally not a problem, however, it was a problem because I had been drinking before noon. I also still had a full cup in my hand. I slide a few inches and then flipped completely over onto the cement stairs. I banged my head and slammed my hand into the steps. I sat up without a concussion, but the ringer finger on my left hand turned towards my pinky. After three hours in an emergency room, several medical visits, and a surgery appointment I had three screws put in my finger to repair the fracture that had occurred (picture above).

I’ve had a lot of time to think post the handrail incident and I think I’ve pegged the problem. Cutting out all the things (conferences, podcasts, blogging, volunteering) has caused me to self-indulge. I created bad habits around drinking and playing video games. I’m currently reading Every Thing Is F*cked - A Book About Hope by Mark Manson. He talks about doing things that make our ability to handle stress fragile. This happens when things become convenient and we indulge in our happiness. Life needs conflict and if we don’t choose our own conflict then we will make our own conflict. For example, drinking too much. We become fragile in our ability to handle stress. Which is something that I’m experiencing at work. I’ve lost several nights of sleep to thinking about work. Which plays a small part in me wanting to drink so that I can fall asleep instead of dealing with insomnia.

The Solution

I have sought medical help for the insomnia and been provided with an option for falling asleep. I am starting to change some of my habits. It’s amazing what getting a night of sleep without alcohol will do for your attitude. It’s also amazing how much money you save not drinking every night. I am starting to understand my place at work and not stressing about certain things. I have the benefit of reaching my career goal and I’m not worried about being promoted to a director or executive level.

I’m going to start having a purpose again. To help and promote others. I’m going to start blogging more here and at ColaSec. I’m going to get more involved in the community again. I plan to help out with ColaSec, as well as the local user groups in the Nashville area. I plan to attend conferences more next year and help out as a volunteer and speaker. Finally, I plan to start the Exploring Information Security podcast back up again with a few modifications (more to come).

I don’t regret taking a year off. It’s helped me grow and understand myself better. Every since moving to Nashville, I’ve always had this thing in the back of my head bugging me, “what now?” What is my motivation and driver in life? I think I’ve discovered that. I want to help others. I want to contribute. I want to produce something useful. I want to grow. That’s what will make me happy.